Who is number two?
..and who does he work for?

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I like my coffey the way I like my magik: black as hell....A small Satanic Selection of Excreations

"Black magic operates most effectively in preconscious, marginal areas. Casual curses are the most effective. "
-William S. Burroughs
"for the love of mike!” – “zounds!” – “for pete’s sake!” – “gadzooks!” – “for crying out loud!” – “criminetles!” – “leaping lizards!” – “pish! tosh!” – “hell’s bells!” – “suffering succotash!” – “cheese and crackers…(got all muddy!)” – “land’s sakes!” – “me oh my!” – “well, blow me down!” – “what the hey!” – “son of a gun!” – “hail columbia!” – “well, i swan! ” – “son of a bee hive!” – “swear to god!” – “hot dog!” – “gol dang it!” – “i’ll be buttered!” – “gosh darn it!” – “what in blue blazes!” – “dag nab it!” – “what the sam hill!” – “doggone it!” – “what the deuce!” – “i’ll be doggoned!” – “dog my cats!” – “jiminy crickets!” – “good grief!” – “shoot!” – “holy cow!” – “fiddlesticks!” – “by golly!” – “i’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” – “gripes!” – “egads!” – “jeez!” – “you’re full of prunes!” – “by golly!” – “none of your beeswax!” – “by gum!” – “for criminy sakes!” – “by jupiter!” – “shucks!” – “omigosh!” – “what the (heck!)” – “excuse my dust!” – “don’t stop now!” – “by heck!” – “this’ll kill ya!” – “you don’t say!” – “oh, fudge!” – “good grief!” – “h-e-double toothpicks!” – “good heavens!” – “land sakes!” – “go to blazes!” – “sakes alive!” – “heavens to betsy!” – “well, i’ll be!” – “jumping jehosephat!” – “great scott!” – “lord love a duck!” – “great balls of fire!” – “holy moley!” – “glorioski!” – “saints preserve us!” – “land o goshen!” – “good gravy!” – “tarnation!” – “consarn – “shiver me timbers!” – “yumping yimminy!” – “oy, veh iz mir!” – “if dat don’t take de cake!” – “shut my mouth!” – “yikes!” – “mama mia!” – “the cat’s pajamas!” – “the monkey’s instep!” – “s.o.b!” – “son of a sea cook!” – “son of a biscuit!” – “pshaw!” – “bushwa!” – “zut alors!” – “aw, nertz!” – “oh, nuts!” – “golly!” – “golly gee!” – “holy moses!” – “by jove!” – “gosh almighty!” – “goodness gracious!” – “good gravy!” – “by george!” – “great guns!” – “holy cats!” – “confound it!” – “gee whillikers!” – “gee whiz!” – “godfrey daniel!” – “cut it out…you’re – killin’ me!” – “good heavens!” – “holy smoke!” – “by cracky!” – “my stars!” – “judas priest!” – “bless my soul!” – “upon my word!” – “the cat’s meow!” – “jiminy christmas!” – “blimey!” – “honest injun!” – “caramba!” – “i’ll be a dirty – so and so!” – “i’ll be darned!” – “how d’ye like that!” – “whadda ya know about that!” – “gimme a break!” – “hang it all!” – “ain’t it the truth!” – “shadrack, mesach, and a billy goat!” – “three cheers & a tiger!” – “aw, figs!” – “fan my brow!” – “tan my hide!” – “great day in the morning!” – “glory be!” – “holy mackerel!” – “heavenly days!” – “stuff and nonsense!” – “my aching back!” – “for pity’s sakes!” – “whadda ya gonna do!” – “that’s telling ‘em – “well, strike me pink!” – “you don’t say!” – “sez you!” – “so’s your old man!” – “your mudder wears army shoes!” – “go chase yourself!"...........of course there are many many many many many many many many more so pull up dem sleeves, use yr. nooggin' know-how of nocebos & START CURSIN'!

From The Cloven Hoof Issue #129

unwittingly repotted by yr. favourite Cockcomb & Arsonit Duo, Pert & Burny

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Dexterous Chef by Zhuangzi - A Lesson In FTW-U!

A cook was butchering an ox for Duke Wan Hui.
Every place his hand touched,
Every heave his shoulder made,
Every move his feet did,
Every thrust his knee applied pressure to,
Every slice he made in the flesh, came apart with a sound.

With his blade he followed the lead, making a noise
That never fell out of rhythm.
It harmonized with the Mulberry Woods Dance,
Like music from ancient times.

Duke Wan Hui exclaimed: "Ah! Truly Admirable!
How is it that your skill has advanced to this elevated level?"

The cook puts down the knife and answered:
"All your humble servant follows is The Way,
something beyond the advance of any undertaking;
and if I happen to find it in my craft, then so be it.

"When I first started butchering,
All I saw was nothing but the entire carcass.
After three years,
I ceased to see it as a whole.

"Nowadays, I meet it with my mind
Rather than see it with my eyes.
My sensory organs are inactive
While I direct the mind's movement.

"I Observe the natural contours,
Striking apart large gaps,
Moving through great cavities,
Following and taking advantage of its natural structure.

"Moving according to form,
I avoid the places where the tendons attach to bones
So that they give no resistance,
Even less than a great bone!

"A good cook goes through a knife in a year,
Because he cuts.
An average cook goes through a knife in a month,
Because he hacks.

"I have used this knife for nineteen years.
It has butchered thousands of oxen,
But the blade is still like it's newly sharpened.

"The joints have openings,
And the knife's blade has no thickness.
I apply this lack of thickness into the openings,
And the moving blade swishes through,
With room to spare!

"That's why after nineteen years,
The blade is still like it's newly sharpened.

"Nevertheless, every time I come across complicated joints,
I seize up its difficulty,
I pay attention and use caution,
My vision concentrates,
My movement slows down.

"With increasing subtly, I move the blade ever so slightly and-Flop! 
It has already separated.
The ox doesn't even know it's dead,
and falls to the ground like a clod of earth.

"Then I stand up with the knife in hand,
And I look all around it.
I leisurely assess my work until it gives me much satisfaction.
I give the blade a thorough cleaning and then carefully put it away."

Duke Wan Hui said: "That is most excellent!
I have listened to the words of a cook
And learned the principle of how to nourish life."

-Lovingly Compiled by The Cuddliest Curmudgeon, Kutecy Kooper McKunt